so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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