Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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