in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
