why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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