When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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