He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
