My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
