More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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