i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
