I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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