if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
