y did u give ur computer a hand job?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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