I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
