Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
