; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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