I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
