Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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