Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i think i have two assholes
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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