No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
