At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
