Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
