I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
