I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
