My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I need to sanitize my soul.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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