We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's just like the Real World with babies
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
