Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
