FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
