god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
