Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
