I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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