so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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