Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
