I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
