you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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