I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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