This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
