im six kinds of drunk right now
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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