when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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