Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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