Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
