i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
