Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
