i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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