my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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