I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
