I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
