so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
