everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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