Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Of course I have a pirate flag
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
