Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
