woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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