see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
