Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
