Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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